Thursday, 12 April 2007

Dumfries: Snatching a Defeatburger from the Jaws of Victory


...except it wasn't.
We parked up by the river in sunny Dumfries, I donned my cheery Irn Bru-coloured Queens Park away shirt to match Stu, and we wandered up the hill to the town centre. We were detained briefly by a drunken Partick Thistle fan who queried our choice of shirts while staggering on the cobbles, but soon made our way triumphantly to the Loreburne Shopping Centre.
In we marched, fielding yet more stares of Scottish football tribalism, and headed to our goal, minds full of the thought of burgers and chips on true Wimpy plates.
But as we approached, the sight of plastic shutters sank our hopes like a chaffinch divebombing a canoe.
It looked like a jolly nice Wimpy, with what seemed to be a seating hall out the back. But it was, undeniably, closed, when on a busy Sunday afternoon. So zero from both of us.
So had we completed our quest? Well, I think so. After all, we'd made it to the Wimpy, which is the main thing. And you wouldn't send us back to Dumfries. Surely?

Annandale Services: It's Wimpy Time


And so, that fateful Saturday (March 31, remember, I'm still catching up), we headed down the M74 to Annandale Water services and our first motorway service station Wimpy.
The walls of the main building were festooned with Wimpy posters, and, even better. one of the fences featured a Wimpy banner adorned with the words Got a Minute? Grab a Burger.
Nearby was a family standing by the boot of their car eating sandwiches. I approached the father, and after much slow explanation and general hilarity (and lots of Whys?) he sent his son to take a picture of Stu and I behind the banner, a grin on my face, a cheesy timekeeping expression on Stu's. A souvenir to be proud of - I even filmed the Corsa of Destiny driving past.
When we walked in to the main building we saw the Wimpy counter to our left - no seats, just a wall of Wimpy looking out onto the concourse. But its shutters were closed, and even our photo and video festival outside couldn't take away our fear of failure. Or of having to wait at least an hour at a motorway service station, which is roughly the same thing.
But then the gods smiled upon us, the metal barrier started to rise, and a Wimpy opened before our eyes.
Unfortunately, we were all set for a propoer full Wimpy meal with plates and cutlery in Dumfries, so all I had was a bag of onion rings while Stu had chips. But they were very nice onion rings and chips, so it's a 2.5 from me and a 2.5 from Stu.
And then it was back in the Corsa of Destiny for our ride to a triumphant finish...

Sunday, 8 April 2007

Motherwell: We will NOT be defeated


Next morning we were up bright and early for the long and Wimpy-ful road home. And first stop was Motherwell, which had so cruelly let us down on Friday.

Again we parked up just inside Strathclyde Country Park in Motherwell, and headed inside M&D's and into the bizarre Wild West-themed food court. And there, next to the self-proclaimed World's Wackiest Eating Emporium and beneath a fake frontage, sat a Wimpy counter. Open!

Bacon rolls again, it being breakfast time. No cutlery, of course, it being an amusement park Wimpy and all (see eventual Statement of Rules) but it's not often you can eat Wimpy beneath plastic American facades. A solid two-and-a-half from me, Stu will hopefully comment for himself below.

Monday, 2 April 2007

Intermission: All I Want For Christmas Is A Queen's Park Away Kit

Apologies for the delay - now back to the events of Saturday, March 31.

Johnstone was our final Wimpy that day, as next we headed to Hampden for Queen's Park against Stenhousemuir in the Scottish League Division Three.

I'm no football expert - check out a match report here - but the atmosphere was something special. Inside Hampden's giant bowl were, as usual for Queen's Park, just 600 or so Spiders and Warriors supporters (check out that sporting knowledge) giving it their all despite the 50,000-plus empty seats. Queen's Park emerged triumphant, and we headed for the club shop.

And from there came the official Wimpy Crawl clothing - Queen's Park away shirts, in the garish orange and blue colours of sponsors Irn Bru. You can't get much more Scottish than that.

An aside - last time we went to Scotland (see the first post) we went to Peterhead's home game against Ayr. It finished 2-2. This weekend, strangely, Peterhead also hosted Ayr - and the game again finished 2-2. Coincidence?

Sunday, 1 April 2007

Johnstone: Classic Wimpy Style


Lunch in Largs, dessert in Johnstone. Hidden away in a 60s arcade, Johnstone's Wimpy was a small, classic table-service restaurant. The dominant feature of its decor was a white on pink wallpaper "WIMPY" that was a throwback to the early days of the chain. Even some of the saucers were old school red and white rather the up-to-date yellow, green and red.

While the surroundings were classic, the service did not live up to it. No sooner had Stu opened his mouth to ask for an ice cream float, salivating like a misguided middle-aged woman at a Michael Bolton concert, than the waitress stepped in with a quick "no ice cream". As I'm sure you're aware, most of Wimpy's classic desserts have ice cream as a vital constituent, so our options were somewhat limited. Toasted teacakes all round, then.

Two-and-a-half from me, a score lifted only thanks to the retro ambience. Stu the ice cream-lover was less enamoured. A mere two from him.

Largs: Plastic Wimpy


Next morning it was over the hills to Largs, an old-fashioned and beautifully located seaside town basking in an until-now rare day of Scottish sunshine.

Shame about the Wimpy. It was again trapped inside an amusement arcade (though one with an excellent air hockey table). Like Dingwall, we had to wait for it to open. Unlike Dingwall, it wasn't worth the wait.

Half of the options on the illuminated board were papered over. When the food came, we were served up kebab shop-style chips in anonymous packaging and burgers in anonymous wraps. Had it not been for the Wimpy-branded paper cups, you would hardly have known you were eating in Britain's premier homegrown burger chain. There weren't even any Wimpy serviettes, for heaven's sake.

Chicken in a bun for me, quarterpounder with cheese for Stu. One-and-a-half from both of us for this unsatisfying Wimpy experience.

Kilmarnock: Salvation


After the crushing blow of Motherwell on top of the already lengthy journey from Dingwall, a swift diversion to Kilmarnock was in order. An unprepossessing walk took us to an unprepossessing street in an unprepossessing part of what seemed to be an unprepossessing town. Thankfully, the Wimpy was open inside The Garage activity centre.

From the richly laid-out tables, complete with Mr Wimpy "Let's Party" hats, it was clear we were just minutes away from an ear-splitting children's party so we gobbled down our fish and chips (well it was Friday) and dashed away before the deluge of pint-sized Scots.

Two-and-a-half from me, three from Stu, who was relieved to get a good meal without the screaming bairns.

Motherwell: A Disappointment

It was closed.

Dingwall: A ***** Experience


Interlude: In the wilds between Fraserburgh and Macduff there was little or no radio reception - but there was one oasis in the frequency wilderness: Bagpipe FM.
Well, that wasn't its name, but it might as well have been. Radio nan Gaidheal certainly helped while away the hours with an eclectic mix of bagpipe dirges and tartan funk. Imagine how distraught we were when the music stopped and the news hour began. We were hoping for a stirring massed pipe rendition of How Am I Supposed To Live Without You

After a night in Inverness it was on to Dingwall at first light (almost). It might well be the country's most remote Wimpy, but even though we had to wait the best part of an hour for it to open, it was worth the journey. We were the first customers of the day, but our sweet and succulent bacon buns were just the start of a first-class Wimpy experience.

We spotted a Mr Wimpy puppet and Stu asked if they had any for sale. To our surprise and delight, our ever-so-helpful waitress brought two to our table. With a smile, she said: "Will that keep two little people happy?" Well, neither of us is that tall.

As we were preparing to leave, she revealed there was a playroom upstairs adorned with murals of Mr Wimpy and his forgotten friends (no, not us - a dinosaur, an elephant and a veritable menagerie). She even let us up there for a swift photograph - it'll be up eventually, promise.

Five stars from me, and Stu was equally wowed. Decor resembling the 1980s Scarborough Wimpy on which Stu was weaned, an 80s soundtrack (not a trace of the Soul Provider to be heard), great food and of course those puppets mean anything less than full marks would be a travesty.

Thursday, 29 March 2007

Fraserburgh: Tartan on polyester


Still further North sits Fraserburgh (we think it’s the UK’s Northernmost Wimpy, but let’s not count our chickenburgers). We parked near Fraserburgh FC, and in town found a Gentleman’s Outfitters selling Fraserburgh FC merchandise. And the away shirt was worth a look – in a fetching red Fraser tartan, a beacon on any pitch and certainly inside a Gentleman’s Outfitters. But, tempting as ‘twas, £40 was just too steep.
Wimpy was a large and airy one, nears the bus station in Hanover Street. Desserts again, with a Banana Longboat in a fetching plastic green leaf for Stu (pic to follow, again), and a chocolate fudge cake for me.
Four stars from both of us, first-class effort. Could even have been more, but for the music – just a Michael Bolton dirge away from equalling the aural GBH of the bowling soundtrack in Dundee. Mr Bolton's official website (go on, you know you want to) describes him as the "Soul Provider". Words fail me, though sadly not him.
Fraserburgh itself was another grey but friendly and compact place. The Tourist Information Centre was closed, mind you.

Peterhead: Community spirit


Next to Peterhead, which we’d visited before but were delighted to see had been revamped since, with an Arbroath-style big logo on red background, lots of trendy wooden seats and even a sofa.
This restaurant was clearly a hub for the local community, packed with Peterhead folk young and old. But mainly young and baseball-capped, on the sofa next to the door. One was shivering for Scotland, that’s what being cool does for you.
I had a hot and spicy chicken burger, while Stu opted for a frankfurter in a bun (sadly no longer known as the Bender In A Bun. Ah, memories).
Ratings: three from me, three-and-a-half from Stu.
As for Peterhead, it’s a grey town and a very compact one, but not unpleasant. We even tracked down a sports shop with a proud range of Peterhead FC merchandise. I was tempted by a Peterhead FC shirt, but put it swiftly back on the rack on spotting the £38 price tag. Worse was to come…

Aberdeen: A twist in the tale


Up bright and early on what seems to have been a wild goose chase.
Fellow Crawler Andrew tipped us off that Aberdeen had a Wimpy in the city centre “at least when I first came to Aberdeen”. It was near John Lewis, apparently, so that’s where we headed.
But to no avail – despite our best efforts the Wimpy sign was nowhere to be seen.
So we trudged on, with not-so-heavy hearts (we’re relying on the Wimpy website for this trek, and it would have been quite a shock to find an unexpected restaurant).
Next was Sunset Boulevard….still in the Granite City, for another Wimpy inside an amusement arcade.
It was closed.
But, at least we were able to get inside for the obligatory photo, and we’d eaten there on a previous occasion SO IT’S OK.
By the way, neither Wimpy, real nor imaginary, appears in the Aberdeen phone book. The city’s best-kept secret?

Wednesday, 28 March 2007

Arbroath: Smokin'


Next to Arbroath, where the mist lifted slightly and we could see the town in all its sunny splendour.

And a lovely town it is, too, with its picturesque streets. It's famed for its Smokies but also for its ruined Abbey and the Declaration of Arbroath, a landmark for Scottish nationalists through the ages.

The Wimpy was in High Street, and was our first "proper" Wimpy facing the street, if you care about these things. It even boasted trendy seats and a gold-on-red Wimpy wall logo above sofas and plush seats. V. modern.

As I will eventually mention in the rules, this isn't Supersize Me - it's the visiting that counts, not the burgers. So we went straight for dessert.

Stu went for a choc and nut sundae, while I went for the quasi-mythical Brown Derby, a doughnut topped with a huge dollop of ice-cream and nuts.

Three from me - see a theme here? - and four from Stu, who admits to being a sucker for ice-cream.

Turkey in Dundee


From Kirkcaldy we headed cross the Silv'ry Tay to Dundee, and the Stack Leisure Park.

Our Wimpy goal there was, it turned out, inside a Megabowl. Never ones to look a gift horse in the mouth, we decided to try out our bowling skills before our burgers.

Forgive a moment's gloating, but it was a three-nil whitewash, including a turkey (three strikes in a row) from myself.

(STU interjects): I just want to place on the record at this point that Alistair told me he was "rubbish" at bowling, only to produce a feat many ten-pin bowlers dream of. He is a hustler and not to be trusted. And by the way, I beat him (2-1) at air hockey, which obviously counts double.

(NARRATOR returns): Normally rubbish, I assure you. Then on to the Wimpy counter, from where I had a perfectly enjoyable beanburger in a brown bun while Stu had a tasty cheeseburger in a white one.

So, a three from me (for extra-Wimpycurricular enjoyment) and three from Stu (which would have been more but for being spoilt by extra-Wimpycurricular activities).

As for Dundee, the retail park was half-empty, and though we didn't visit the city centre I think it's worth a visit.

Kirkcaldy: a first


A new morning, and our first "proper" Wimpy.

This one was in the Mercat Centre in the heart of the Lang Toun, and the perfect spot for breakfast.

It was out first encounter this trip with real Wimpy crockery. No need for cutlery, though, as we opted for bacon buns to start our day. Filled with that round bacon they use in fast food places, of course, but all very tasty, and with a choice of HP sauce and Wimpy-brand tomato ketchup should you be so inclined.

A three from me, a three-and-a-half from Stu.

And the town? Hard to judge on a damp misty March day, but had a nice old church tower though little life beyond the shopping centres. There was, though, a very helpful tourist office, from which we bought Kirkcaldy pin badges in a move we thought might be the start of another quest. It wasn't.

Tuesday, 27 March 2007

Portobello, Edinburgh


So it all starts here....
I disembarked at Waverley, met Stu, hopped into the Corsa of Destiny and off we headed for Portobello.
The resort itself was quiet, to the point of deathly, though to be fair it was a Scottish seaside resort in March.
I remembered the Wimpy was in Figgate. Good job too, as one thing I didn't have was an itinerary. Forgot to print it, you see.
But we found Figgate Lane. Not promising at first, just a quiet residential alley off Portobello High Street lined with your usual grey pebbledash houses.
But then, at the junction with the Promenade, there it was - a Wimpy in Nobles Amusements.
If I'm honest, we were slightly disappointed to start our Grand Tour at an amusement arcade Wimpy, dining from cardboard on plastic trays rather than from a Wimpy dinner service. But that's the way the burger crumbles. Which reminds me - we need a Rules posting. One day soon...
The verdict:
Quality Quarter Pounder with cheese meal for myself, perfectly passable chicken in a bun for Stu.
Marks: I gave two out of five, Stu gave three. Nothing wrong with it, but we need a proper Wimpy experience. Who knows what tomorrow may bring?
(Photos may follow, if technology permits)

A sort of introduction


Welcome to the world of the Wimpy Crawl.
It goes a little something like this:
Sometime around 2000 I started to notice that there were still Wimpy bars dotted around the country.
So what, you might say. Well, to me at least, Wimpy bars were among those things that you remembered from your childhood but that didn’t exist any more. There used to be one near the Market Hall in Shrewsbury, for example, but it had long gone.
Anyway, it interested me that they seemed to be found in slightly out-of-the-way places – Crewe, Caerphilly, and suchlike.
And these were “proper” Wimpies – they still had table service, with cutlery and Wimpy crockery, not just cardboard boxes like their upstart American rivals.
And there it would have rested had It not been for a meeting with my old university friend Stu in 2002.
We sat in Liverpool’s glorious Philharmonic pub and over the course of an afternoon somehow came up with the embryonic idea that would change the world – the Wimpy Crawl.
This was the plan – we, along with various other student newspaper accomplices, would arrange a date for the crawl. But no venue.
The night before the crawl I would pick, at random, a Wimpy in the UK.
I would then phone all the Crawlers, tell them just a town and a time, and hang up. The next day there would be Wimpy fun.
In the end I refined it slightly to Wimpy restaurants in the North, as the idea of trekking to Penzance was perhaps too silly.
But what date to choose? Well, that took a trip to Hull Central library and a look at Who’s Who 1955 to find the significant dates of the directors of Lyons at the point when they created the Wimpy concept.
Eventually I found a date in February when Major Montague J Gluckstein was either born or died. Pathetically I can’t remember which, although remarkably I do remember that his telephone number was Ickfield 289.
So, research done, on the evening in question I presented a map of the North of England to one of the barmaids in Hull’s Spring Bank Tavern, who duly looked confused but agreed to close her eyes and stick a pin in the map.
The pin struck Keighley, the nearest Wimpy was Huddersfield, and the chase was on.
I made the calls – “Huddersfield, one o’clock” then hung up – and the next day five of us intrepid explorers met in Cloth Hall Street for our first Wimpy as a group.
We dared to dream, in those long-gone days. We planned regular crawls, even a website (we could have been pioneers!)
But it never quite happened, and all fell quiet. But in mine and Stu’s hearts the fire never died, and last year it was time for another trek – to then northernmost Wimpy in the UK.
A look at Wimpy’s website later and we were off – to Peterhead. Conveniently Andrew, one of the original crawlers, lived in Aberdeen so made the whole expedition considerably less ridiculous.
So we went, despite many ominous warnings about Peterhead, and it was very nice, thank you. As at Huddersfield, we had a picture taken, but this time it didn’t turn out – though thanks to the wonders of technology a ghostly image has been preserved (see above).
Again, there were plans for more treks. But soon came disturbing news – Wimpy had revamped its website and there was a Wimpy in Fraserburgh. Further north.
All was confusion. Or more accurately, all forgotten.
But then, in January, Stu visited me in Hull, and Wimpy came up again. And the pledge was made – we needed to visit to visit every proper Wimpy in Britain by the end of 2007.
We even signed a pledge on a serviette, just to make sure we took it seriously.
Cynics might point out it is now late March and we have so far visited none. But now it is time for Wimpy Crawl Part One – every Wimpy in Scotland!